SUNDAY: DIARY

Been curled up in the recliner an hour. Ed and I tended to the garden that morning, wore me out. I showered and warmed up leftover Chinese.

I’ve been sleeping thru much of the week. One minute I’m energetic, the next I’m bone tired.  Never been so lethargic, must be the low thyroid, I dona like…

Took on a project of painting my rocker, antiquing it. Very tedious but it’s something I can take my time on.

My mind drifts from one day to the next, while my body tries to recoup from the last surgery. I am satisfied with the final look of both sides, however wish I was not sooo sore in this body. If only I was younger maybe… normal has seemed so far away, impossible to do.

My surgeon kept his promise. And Mary Kate was right, I love my new breasts already in spite of enduring three surgeries, such soreness. I hadn’t a vision of any expectation; now they even feel a tad more normal weight and fuller texture than last month. Fat is substantial. Two years of an abnormally sized chest and scars had me scarred and so emotional.

crease

That crease is gone. My last surgery was the cherry on the chocolate sundae. Perfecto.

Today I didn’t take any pain pills, I suppose that’s reason I feel so fucked up rough.  My head has the discomfort of a migraine and I just want sleep.  And a bosom and tummy not in pain.

Last night…

I dreamed I was turkey hunting, climbing up a big oak with my bow. I was nervous about losing my foothold. ( Leftover psych out from a broken ankle.) But I reached my seat okay and saw turkeys on the ground through yellow-orange leaves. Damn dream changed on me, no telling how it turned out. Too much of a challenge to hunt this year I’m afraid.

Just bide my time, be cautious and the body heals itself. Right now just words. But I’ve begun to really feel it on the inside, one word men have as unique meaning in their minds as there are to me. Beautiful.

Not just a word now. It’s a feeling.

Stepping out of the shower, I immediately saw the twinkle in his eye as my husband smiled with approval, gentle and sincere. A tiny volt of electricity surges through my core, ahhh there it is, that ember in my soul. Tickling us. I tremble in the core of my innerds to initiate, a hint of zealous fire, my guidance for him so he’d know my pain was gone to venture into that zone again. I missed his hug so much, his impish roughness, in the aftermath of surgery, verboten in the wrath of its end.

Play is long overdue. I wanted abandon to match the tenure of our lives together not caution.

I’ve never felt ugly, never sought compliments as I’ve said before but it warms me inside to hear it and know the feeling is revealed, now after two years of this struggle ~ I feel whole again.  Not drama but it’s just how I feel.  Beautiful.  My eyes tear up and throat chokes up to know I can be proud of my looks.  I can be confident because I’m me again.  I realize I have not cried in many weeks.  I curl my feet together in the comfortable recliner, tears run down my face. I don’t muffle a gigantic sigh of relief, sniffling like a child.  It’s my time.  

tank

I am happy.  No shame, no qualms to take a photo from the left angle now!

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