BREAST CANCER VS. CHRIST

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Well y’all, I’ve been absent for some time, editing my book. And I’ve had some technical issues on WordPress… hope that’s settled…Now I am so grateful for all my new Facebook friends and followers here and there whose likes and loves and comments really do warm my heart on this late January Sunday. Do y’all know just how much I need your positivism, your ‘woohoos’? Maybe so… 😊

My blood test was ‘normal’ this week is cause to yell ‘yay!!!!’  HOW? it really hasn’t mattered to y’all that I forgot to explain on FB, but! I’ll just say, my test is breast cancer-specific called a ‘tumor marker’… ‘Normal’ means NO cells are turning into breast cancer. NO cancer spreadin’ anywhere. So that’s a big-ass YAY!!

The slithering Rougarou swamp-beast afraid of no human had snuck in and lay-in-wait for years attacking my breast cells. My breast. Gone. (Sorry I’ve been repetitive, it just goes t’ show it may be redundant to a non survivor — but it’s vital to me). My breast cancer had been in there, in me. I fended that monster off from crippling my emotional self to scrape up the courage to deal with all the rage once and for all that I was buried inside me, and at times even now slithers in my gullet.

Every minute, every day … I have fought these nightmares. By the grace of God I was not ill. Lord gave me love and inimitable power I’d never felt before to keep me from plummeting into Satan’s hole… I am now thriving… back to those fields with a shotgun in hand, my dog learning not to pull me into the next county in his excitement be out too! We went ‘yote huntin’ ending up trading the .243 for a 12 gauge, sitting under a pine tree waiting for a rabbit to poke its nose out of a brush pile. It never did — .

Just got home from hunting at Truman. I needed a break and carrying a rifle or shotgun in the woods was welcome. Getting Rocky used to these trips and he’s learning to lead… He barked at Ed to bring him as Ed went a different field. I sat next to a pine tree, he sat next to me so content. His eyes glistened alert watching little wrens and his ears perked up at rustling leaves of a rabbit or squirrel inside the brush pile. It was wise not to pop out.

A cloudy, drizzling day made sunny by my dog and my hubby. I love them both. Sorry, keeping up with my 1 1/2 year old lab didn’t allow for pics!

“… and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and delivered Himself up for me.” (Galatians 2:20c)

Now journal-writing the rawest shit, likewise pseudo friends slipped away who I had believed were good ol’n reliable, who I had believed would be glad to hear my voice, who had stood beside me. Change doesn’t sting any less with age. Although my writing gained a few followers, others I was not surprised and too, was out of my control. In a weak moment or two I stubbornly still tried to connect yet fell on deaf ears. Saving face was not my mindset as I rediscovered those convictions the Lord has taught me over the last three years. Not to take media posts so personal. I let Christ be a force inside me. Christ gave me peace to let go.

Months of surgery after surgery and recovery after recovery, I endured building my strength s-lo-o-w-ly, s-s-l-o-o-ower-r than molasses in January. Months of rest. I began walking my dog and tried workout videos to build my strength again — my goal was to garden and hunt and fish and hold my grandbabies in my arms again. Ed and I even bought used Shimano mountain bikes for us to ‘get back into the swing’. I needed patience. And my lost sense of humor — thankfully, I’ve recovered some of that.

As logical as the medicinal process is, doctors following protocol; how rational I could discuss it, emotions are a scar on my family. The faith my families have in my own will to fight this kind of death, does not keep the trepidation away from my lovely step-daughter, Christina. Letting her anxiety slip this year in conversation, I saw the worry, her love for me as her step-mom. She didn’t realize how her honesty touched me and added to my conviction to follow dr’s orders. She knows there is no protective shield. Her anxiety is my reality, why God is my shield. With so many cancer causes, I can only hope I’ve covered some of my bases for prevention in my future, for my family.

The faith my families have in my own will to fight this kind of death, does not keep the trepidation away from my lovely step-daughter, Christina. She knows there is no protective shield. Her anxiety is my reality, why God is my shield. With so many cancer causes, I can only hope I’ve covered some of my bases for prevention in my future.

There have been many lapses since I began this chapter. Moreover, with doctors, staff and other women I met, my circle of people reaffirmed my sense of belonging that is fills me up. They were my little glimmer of hope out in a tidal wave of uncertainty. Empowered by flowers sent to me, texts and invites to school events, they’ve seen me finally recommence going to birthdays and such. I cut loose from that sad, deep achy feeling as when my Abby died. It was no picnic but I had to rejuvenate myself.

— couldn’t stop the floodgates once it started — the emotions of recovering from breast cancer became entrenched in everything I write, everything I do. Yeah it still is. No longer floundering after three years — my body has healed — I’m adjusting to be rid of that damn monster.

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